My Bloody Valentine

My Bloody Valentine (2009) movie poster

(2009) dir. Patrick Lussier
viewed: 02/03/08 at Century San Francisco Centre, SF, CA

“Nothing says ‘date movie’ like a 3D ride to hell!”

I loved the tag line.  It wasn’t like I’d even really considered seeing the film, but then came the point where I just wanted to go see some garbage movie.  Oddly enough, there were a slough of them out there.  My top choice would have been Outlander (2008) which some vikings versus aliens thing.  But there were others too, The Uninvited (2009), The Unborn (2009), and heck, even Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009).  But timing being what it was, the remake of the 1981 slasher film, My Bloody Valentine, in 3-D no less, was the gambit of the day.

You know, back in the day of the slasher film, the early 1980’s, I was a teen, ripe for the genre, a little too young to go see them in the theater, but that’s what HBO and stuff was for.  See the horny young people get slaughtered for no apparent reason with blood, blood, and more blood.  And it seemed that every holiday had its own slasher film: John Carpenter probably opened the door here with Halloween (1978), which was followed by Friday the 13th (1980) (of which is also about to have a re-make released), April Fool’s Day (1986), Happy Birthday to Me (1981)…the list goes on.  But of these, I had not ever seen, I think, the original My Bloody Valentine, or if I had, I’d forgotten that I’d seen it.

The revival of the genre today, mostly in re-makes, is probably more about the lack of creativity than anything.  Let’s face it, are slashers really the Id of today’s society?  I mean, there’s actually been a lot of pretty interesting criticism about the original slasher film genre.  The revival is largely due to the fact that we need to see modernly-clad young people getting slaughtered, not any fashion nightmares on top of the gore!

And the 3-D aspect.  Which is a trend that I predict will ultimately fail to hang on, though there is more and more investment in it all the time so I could be terribly wrong.

I have to say, expectations were low.  But they were met to an extent.  The film starts up without a whole lot of story lay-out.  People start getting skewered on the pick-axe before you really know who is who.  And then suddenly, the film flashes forward 10 years.  So, it’s a little confusing, I think, but not that that really matters.  Why some miner decides to suddenly kill every living being and cut out their hearts and place them in candy heart trays really doesn’t get a whole lot of explanation.  Miners and hearts?

The movie has a few elements of fun.  There is an interesting little person who plays a sexy small desk clerk with a dog.  And the whole scene with the woman running around in full-frontal nudity, waving a gun, hiding under a bed, running amok totally naked.  I know this sounds a little like I’m pointing it out for its sexual visual pleasure, but really it’s more just weird to have someone that naked onscreen for that long.  Take it for what you will.

And in the end, there is a mystery.  Is the killer the returned killer from before?  The returned young owner of the mine?  The sleazy sheriff?  But when the truth is revealed, it’s revealed with a barrage of reminder images to say: See?  It was him all along!  Here!  And Here! and Here! And Here!  And Here!  Get it?  Get it?  Get it?

It’s pretty annoying.

But there is always room for a sequel.  If the original slasher films taught us anything, it’s that sequels can beget sequels and beget sequels and beget sequels?  Get it?

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