Ninja Assassin

Ninja Assassin (2009) movie poster

(2009) dir. James McTeigue
viewed: 04/15/10

Ssshhhhhiiiiiiiiitttttt.

This movie is total holy unrelenting crap.  It’s amazing.  It’s amazingly entirely, unselfreflixively crap.  It’s hot shit, as in the type of hot shit that you wouldn’t want to accidentally step into.

Directed by James McTeigue, director of V for Vendetta (2005) and assistant hand on much of The Matrix series of films, this film is…, uh, this film is…,uh, what the fuck is this film actually?

It’s a ninja film, not an auspicious genre.  It’s a story of a ninja, raised in a facist ninja school in some remote mountainous region of Asia, in which children are abducted and trained, very brutally, to be stone-cold killers.  But in this case, a ninja-to-be, who thought he was stone cold, had his heartlight turned on by a fellow ninja-to-be girl, who tried to run away only to be killed for her effort.  And these ninjas are century-spanning, globe-trotting killers-for-hire for the cost of a pound of gold.  And this ninja befriends a young African-American worker who uncovers this secret.

And lots of people end up with decapitations and other slicings that chop of fingers, legs, arms, bodies, torsos, middle of bodies.  Digital blood is splattered across the screen in incredibly unfathomable (and unbelievable) forms.  It’s an orgy, but an orgy for whom?  Why take a potentially unsophisticated genre of (for no better generic) kung fu film and then make it as soppy as it ever was, as shallow as it ever was, and only heightend some of the visuals, albeit with extremely cheap-looking digital effects?  And who produced this pile of crap?  The Wachowski siblings among others?

What I don’t get is what part of new and intereresting and original is embedded in this piece of utter crap.  It stars Korean pop-star turned actor “Rain”, who isn’t bad himself and is cut like a motherfucking diamond, but he hasn’t got a fraction of the charm or charisma that could save this incredible piece of shit of a film.

There is a writer for the San Francisco Chronicle that I particularly despise who panned this film (rightly so), but since I despise him so much, when I read some more positive reviews (somewhere) I thought that perhaps this wasn’t half as bad as suggested.  It’s worse.  It’s only good in the fully ironic sense of a movie that has no sense of its own irony in its utter and wanton shittiness.  There are worse films.  But who the fuck put any kind of budget behind this crap?  Who the fuck thought this movie was a good idea?  I felt myself yearning for Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003) for chrissakes, for  Kill Bill: Vol. 1!

Christ almighty.  I am sure that there are some who will masturbate to this crap.  God help us all.

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