April 24, 2013 Leave a Comment
director Bill Condon
The immensity of the crapitudue.
I’d like to just leave it at that, but having spent however many hours with this franchise of films, I feel I owe it to myself to say a few other things.
The gist of this film is about a war among vampires about whether or not Renesmee, baby of Bella and Edward, is an “immortal child”, which is apparently a very dangerous thing. She is not an immortal child, but Edward’s family reaches out over the globe to various vampire groups to support his point that she is “normal” and doesn’t need to be killed. The Vampire Vatican feels differently. She grows fast and Jacob “imprints” on her when she’s a baby (In other words, he’s in love with her and she and him are eternally linked.) He’s all like, “Hey, I didn’t choose to be pedophile!” Lucky for him, in a year she’ll be old enough to rent a car at the rate she’s aging. It all comes down to a battle. But it doesn’t. It’s all a vision, a vision of doom that averts the slaughter and yet perpetuates an opportunity for future sequels and stories since nobody is dead.
This whole series of films and books has proven to be almost a right wing agenda of fantasy films, with no sex before marriage, carrying babies to term even in threat of death to the mother, and other “family values”. It’s also blah, bloodless, fake crap. The effects are awful (why does everybody go in “superspeed” mode to move from one thing to another?) Why is this so damn popular? I’ve heard that the books are terrible too. I don’t need to read them to find it out. I’m happily done with this series, with no desire to ever, ever revisit it.
Looking back at my thoughts on the films of this series (and my star ratings in Netflix), as bad as the first film was, it was the most tolerable of them all. The rest vary from awful to godawful, while remaining morally objectionable. I would be willing to argue that this is an exemplar of American mainstream cultural crap at its lamest. I mean that for the whole. Why single one film out from the rest? They are all of one long soap opera of mute bullshit, sexless sex, terrible acting, writing, everything.
No more, I tell you. No more.